This 'Everywoman' Confuses And Infuriates Us

The thing that probably keeps me reading free ebooks is the total and utter unreality of them.

For example, I was just sneaking in five minutes of iPhone time in the loo at work, reading something where the protagonist just lost her job to a clear-cut case of sexual harassment. Of course, she’s just floating on home moaning half-heartedly about how she’ll have to find a new job. She can afford to kick off her Jimmy Choos and dig her toes into the plush cream carpet of her big-city apartment, but I bet you she isn’t going to head out in the morning and talk to a lawyer, or at least her HR department.

Throwaway fiction is a land of over-exaggeration and excess. There are no ordinary, in-between people, and I guess that’s the way it has to be to keep a reader glued to the book, because without completely contrived situations where you’re just shaking your head and yelling at the idiot woman, where would most chick-lit be?

I don't know. I’m still hanging out for a female character who:

• Has a healthy relationship with shopping and her appearance. She doesn't max out a different credit card each month on Blahniks and spa days, but she doesn’t let herself go because she’s damaged goods and it’s not worth putting in any effort and oh she's just so plain anyway and her boobs are tiny and that other girl is so much curvier and surely my boyfriend will think she is more attractive and oh I don’t deserve adoration anyway. Also, it'd be nice to see someone who doesn't binge eat at time of crisis, moan about how fat she’s gonna be, then wave it away with plans of eating nothing but water crackers for the next week. Oh, oh, and while we're on appearances - I also do not care, dear character, about what you are wearing. I don’t care one little bit. Most of your outfits sound terrible anyway.
• Has real, human flaws that aren't clumsiness or insecurity or naiveté or credit debt
• Isn't afraid to get her hands or feet or butt dirty (most places to sit outside in the city have bird poop on them. Get over it. I bet you hover over public toilet seats, don't you?)
• Doesn't have a supportive gay BFF or cuter/married/more successful ladyfriend, but also doesn’t have NO social network at all. I get that lots of these stories are catalyzed by moving to a new city, but surely you have someone else to talk to aside from your mum, your one co-worker and your new sexy man love who’s making everything difficult for you? We do have the internet these days, you guys.
• Doesn't have a bland office job (where are the stories about hairdressers or bicycle mechanics or factory workers?)
• Has other things to do that aren't working, shopping, going out for drinks, watching girly movies/reading classic literature and, of course, mooning over guys. Someone take up knitting or programming or go for a bike ride or something! Write some fanfic! I don't care!
• Doesn't drink Starbucks (seriously, what is the obsession with Starbucks? And why do you need to tell me your order as if it's such an important character detail?)

Smut In The City - Romance For Hipsters

Most romance novels in the Free section of the iBook store seem to be written by family lovin’ ladies in the American Mid-West, if all those gushing dedications and author blurbs from titles like ‘Almost Perfect’ and ‘Blindsided by Love’ are anything to go by. This leads of course to monolithic novels full of lustful pining, Christian guilt, getting married as soon as you realise you love each other, and maybe popping out a much-wanted baby in the epilogue (or for the daring, the old ‘oh no we didn’t use a condom and now I’m pregnant but I’ve always wanted a baby anyway’ plot trick).

I’m almost sick of spending my 40 minute commute devouring missives from ladies who have never known a loving man’s touch but are suddenly inexpressibly content when their overly endowed new lover sinks to the hilt without a drop of lube (Aww, who am I kidding? I still love this shit).

But! Where’s the cheapyfree trash for the 9-5ing city-dwelling girls who don’t need a man, or a baby, to fulfil them (literally and/or figuratively). I’m sure they’re out there, of course, but geez it’s effort and a lot more before the decimal on my iTunes invoice if I do find that sort of stuff. I want to find good ‘Modern Day Girl Who Don’t Need No Ring’ stuff but it usually costs more than 99c and it's in actual book form and come on, I live in Sydney. I spend all my money on rent, locally roasted coffee and small-batch beer. I read my dirty Austen sequels on my company iPhone and inwardly smirk at the ladies reading the softcover 50 Shades on the train (at least I downloaded it - at ten bucks a pop! You price gouger, EL James - so a casual glance wouldn’t give away what I was reading).

Maybe I’ll come up with something to help out my ladies, but in the meantime, can anyone throw me a bone(r)?